Why write a post of top 10 most useless products ever, you ask? Because I'm bored at work and, more importantly, a woman just walked past with a chihuahua in a Snuggie. So, AHEM, here goes:
5. SNUGGIES
I can't even begin to describe how stupid snuggies are. It's a blanket with sleeves that you wear while lounging about the house. Sound comfortable? Perhaps, but, and I cannto stress this enough, it is essentially a BACKWARDS HOUSECOAT with one one real difference: you can get a housecout for $10 at the nearest retail store. Snuggies are like $25 bucks and you have to order them through the shopping network or in of those As Seen on TV stores. And, it's terribly tacky. In fact, I think the Jones' cult all wore snuggies over their blue tracksuits as to avoid spilling arsenic and Kool-aid on them. Quick question: How gross was that kool-aid? Like regular kool-aid gross, or burning-your-internal-organs gross? And was it sugar free Kool-Aid or just regular Kool-aid?
4. BOOTY BUMPS (or whatever their called)
Tired of your narrow, flat or misshappen rear end? Jealous of all those celebrities who have booty poppin' fun while your own bannock butt neither gets smacked, complimented or featured in hip-hop videos? Look no further! Not only is it extremely narcissistic and reidiculously over-priced, but it gives you the added benefit of butt-sweat stains on all your clothes. And, if you sit too long, it'll make your flat/misshappen/narrow butt even flatter/more mishappen/narrower.
3. Spin the Bottle 2.0
Yes, yes, I know, spin the bottle is a classic coming of age game. In case you've been living under a rock since like 1902, it's a once-popular game in which participants sit in a circle and, yes, spin a bottle. Whoever the bottle points at gets to kiss the person who spun the bottle. Of course, it's probably played a lot less nowadays, seeing as how by the age of 13, half the kids in the neighboorhood are already knocked up and the other half are getting wasted and making out with each other or playing "7 minutes in heaven with whoever the hell happens to be in there." But, a toy company has decided to bring Spin the Bottle back with a battery operated version of the game with several different settings (clockwise/counterclockwise maybe???). So not only does it promote awkward make-outs on game night, it also promotes laziness. Stellar.
2. Lime slicers/Apple coreres/Melon slicers/Strawberry corers etc
Come on people, this is just SO lazy. My kitchen contains several objects called knives. They do this job just as well and about 1000 other jobs you probably also have gadgets for. Seriously.
1. Sporks
I am well aware that putting sporks on this list has probably put me on several hit lists, but bear with me: they are marketed to be a spoon and fork in one, but let's be realistic. The tines are too short to actually stab anything and their very presence compromises the ability to use the spoon. Plus, and I can say this from experience, no good can come of a spoon that stabs you in the face when you use it. Although they do make oddly efficient catapults. Just sayin'.
BONUS!!! In-Car coffee/cappucino makers
There is so much wrong with these that I didn't even believe they were a real thing for a long time. But they are. And they shouldn't be. And why not? Well, firstly, they must drain the hell out of a car battery. But, let's say they run on batteries, they're still a HUGE safety concern. It has now become illegal in many places to speak on a cellphone while driving due to the high volume of accidents due to texting/talking on phones/playing with iPods etc. There is NO WAY it's safe to make coffee while driving. It's hard enough to drink coffee while driving, let alone make it, pour it AND drink it. But, for arguements' sake, let's say it's the passenger using the machine. Still a high spillage risk, a risk of burning oneself and others, and an even higher risk of looking like a tool.
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