Terrible puns aside, it's getting bad, people. Really bad. I mean, when Lady Gaga first hit the scene, it's true she was just this side of the performance artist/hooker line, kind of in the same grey area as the cheerleaders from Glee and Pre-Kaballah Madonnna, but at least she could carry a tune. I mean, if your lyrics are literally about gang banging and you have about as much fashion sense as Prince, you HAVE to be able to sing, right? Wrong.
Enter Katy Perry, K$sha, and new and improved post-rehab Britney Spears. Now, get this, you don't have to be able to sing as long as you're hot and your producer knows how to auto tune the hell out of everything. Throw in some trendy bass wobbles and a few ridiculous runs and a hook and you're the next multi-platinum recording artist. Especially if you got your start on a certain network that starts with a "D" and ends with a drug bust and some underage lingerie photos. And no, I'm not a 40 something, frumpy femenist, I'm the target audience for most of the crap out there. Yep, some young people still have a touch of morality and a smidgen of good taste. I'm so sick of hearing about your menage a trois, your lecherous friends, your drunken blackouts and what an awesome-party-animal-skeezbag-mooch you are. Especially if you're well past your thrirties and still crooning about the boy you like in gym class. It's creepy.
Which is not to say I'm taregeting the ladies only. Oh no. Will Kid Rock please come up and take his place at the head of the class? Ah, Kid Rock, the only person who can make K$sha look like she showers. We get it bud, you're edgy and youthful, you're grungy and real. You like cocaine and hookers, Pam Anderson's boobs and Hep A. We HOPE youth model themselves after you. Yup. For sure. Whoa. My sarcasm meter just snapped. Anyhoo, Mr.Kid (or is it Mr.Rock?), not only can't you carry a tune in a bucket, you can't even stick to the same genre for more than three songs. You're not Bob Seger, by the way. At least you admit you're a ripoff artist by using entire chunks of classic songs like "Sweet Home Alabama" in leiu of creating something original. It's actually kind of mean in a way, you know? Everytime that song comes on, I think it's going to be "Sweet Home Alabama", then BAM! Kid Rock comes all up in there with his own half-assed lyrics and totally unoriginal vocals and totally kills it. And not in the good way.
But alas, I digress. I'm not saying ALL new music is that brutally horrendous, look at Adele, The Black Keys, AWOLnation. They've managed to make ridiculously popular songs AND they kept their clothes on and kept the mentions of graphic sexual exploits to a minumum. Yes, sex drugs and rock 'n roll are a classic combo, but leave SOMETHING to the imagination and quit trying to up the record sales by upping the shock factor. Get some class and turn down the autotune unless you're the Gregory Brothers. The Milli-Vanilli thing was SO 1990's.
Piper "The Hopeless Raw-raw-rawmantic" Manhattan
Enter Katy Perry, K$sha, and new and improved post-rehab Britney Spears. Now, get this, you don't have to be able to sing as long as you're hot and your producer knows how to auto tune the hell out of everything. Throw in some trendy bass wobbles and a few ridiculous runs and a hook and you're the next multi-platinum recording artist. Especially if you got your start on a certain network that starts with a "D" and ends with a drug bust and some underage lingerie photos. And no, I'm not a 40 something, frumpy femenist, I'm the target audience for most of the crap out there. Yep, some young people still have a touch of morality and a smidgen of good taste. I'm so sick of hearing about your menage a trois, your lecherous friends, your drunken blackouts and what an awesome-party-animal-skeezbag-mooch you are. Especially if you're well past your thrirties and still crooning about the boy you like in gym class. It's creepy.
Which is not to say I'm taregeting the ladies only. Oh no. Will Kid Rock please come up and take his place at the head of the class? Ah, Kid Rock, the only person who can make K$sha look like she showers. We get it bud, you're edgy and youthful, you're grungy and real. You like cocaine and hookers, Pam Anderson's boobs and Hep A. We HOPE youth model themselves after you. Yup. For sure. Whoa. My sarcasm meter just snapped. Anyhoo, Mr.Kid (or is it Mr.Rock?), not only can't you carry a tune in a bucket, you can't even stick to the same genre for more than three songs. You're not Bob Seger, by the way. At least you admit you're a ripoff artist by using entire chunks of classic songs like "Sweet Home Alabama" in leiu of creating something original. It's actually kind of mean in a way, you know? Everytime that song comes on, I think it's going to be "Sweet Home Alabama", then BAM! Kid Rock comes all up in there with his own half-assed lyrics and totally unoriginal vocals and totally kills it. And not in the good way.
But alas, I digress. I'm not saying ALL new music is that brutally horrendous, look at Adele, The Black Keys, AWOLnation. They've managed to make ridiculously popular songs AND they kept their clothes on and kept the mentions of graphic sexual exploits to a minumum. Yes, sex drugs and rock 'n roll are a classic combo, but leave SOMETHING to the imagination and quit trying to up the record sales by upping the shock factor. Get some class and turn down the autotune unless you're the Gregory Brothers. The Milli-Vanilli thing was SO 1990's.
Piper "The Hopeless Raw-raw-rawmantic" Manhattan
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