10 Most Infamous, Sinister and Epic Batman Villains

Okay, so I'd be lying if I said I didn't love Batman mostly for the villains. The Dark Knight himself, meh, I can take it or leave it. But the macabre, demented villains, the dark plots and the astounding artwork in some of the Batman comics/graphic novels, like "Arkham after Midnight" are undeniably amazing. In fact, the forementioned book doesn't even have Batman in it at all, the entire story is about Arkham and it's staff and inmates and the lives they lead. It also has the added bonus of making the staff of Arkham come off almost worse than the villains themselves. But I digress. Batman's villains and their twisted psychis are the real reason for this list. And so, without further ado, here are the top 10 villains of Gotham.

10. Mad Dog
Ah, Mad Dog. Murderer, psychopath, victim? Mad Dog is the deranged maniac who violated and murdered Amadeus Arkham's wife and daughter in cold blood, eventually leading to Amadeus founding the Arkham Asylum. After finding the grisly murder scene, in which Amadeus' daughter's head was discovered inside her dollhouse, Amadeus took his family home and converted it into the Asylum for the treatment and containment of such lunatics as Mad Dog himself. But whatever happened to Mad Dog? Well, before/during Amadeus' own slip into lunacy, he attempted to treat Mad Dog, but ended up killing him with Electro Convulsive Therapy. The incident was officially filed as an "accident."

9. Harvey "Two-Face" Dent
Harvey Dent was Gotham's "White Knight", the district attorney who sought out to stand up against injustice and right the wrongs of the city, much like Batman. However, in a bizarre twist, he was badly burned on one side of his body and became horribly deformed which, as one might imagine, caused him to undergo a bit of a meltdown. The movies and comics differ slightly on how exactly Two-Face was burned, but they all stay the same when it comes to his post-burn pathology: he is incapable of making decisions and so depneds on his lucky coin, one half of which is burned (like his own face) to make even the most basic decisons. In "Arkham Asylum: A serious House on Serious Earth", Two-face is driven to the edge of his fragile "sanity" when the Arkham therapists give him a deck of cards and a six sided die with which to make his decisions.

8. Hush
Hush is, in a sense, the anti-Batman. He is a relatively new charatcer, surfacing in 2003, but was supposedly friends with Bruce Wayne when they were children. His life was oddly parallel to Bruce's, his parents were abusive, whereas Bruce's were nurturing, good people. Hush killed his own parents in an odd scheme to gain their fortune, but became jealous of Bruce Wayne when his parents were murdered and he inherited their vast fortune at a young age and lived a seemingly idealistic life. Where Batman set out to lead a life of vigilante justice, Hush made a name for himself among criminals, collaborating with villains such as The Ventriloquist and The Riddler, and cutting down anyone who wouldn't join him. Although his style of dress is fairly non descript, as is his choice of weapons and plots, he has a very deep backstory and a very brutal way of going about things, making him number 8 on this list.

7. Black Mask
Yet another villain who is almost a parellel of Bruce Wayne/Batman, Black Mask is so named for the mask he wears which was fashioned out of the ebony lid of his own father's coffin. Black Mask was also a childhoof friend of Bruce, although more at the urging of his parents then anythig else. His family was very wealtyh and so associated with the Wayne's to further their own social status, and Black Mask resented them for the fake "masks" they wore in public. Thus, his favorite torture techniques involve sadistic and demented disfigurations of his victim's faces, resulting in creepy masklike scars. Black Mask is one of the more twisted villains and may be featured in the newest Batman movie.

6. Abattoir
Never heard of him? You're not alone. Abattoir is not especially well-known, butmade this list anyway based on the creepy factor. Abattoir really seems like a DC spin-off of one of Charles Manson's "family" members or Ronnie of the infamous "Amityvile Horror" murders. Abattoir killed his family because he believed they were evil, them proceeded to kill his extended family and eventually pretty much anyone. He thought that murdering people gave him some of their life force, and so made him more knowledgable and powerful. Luckily for Gothamites though, Abattoir was completely ripped apart by shotgun shells, leaving nothing intact but his lower legs and feet. However, he was later reanimated for the second time in 2009 and continues searching for and killing his remaining relatives.

5. Professor Milo
Professor Milo is one of the lesser known villains of the DC Universe.He is sometimes a doctor at Arkham, while other times he is one of the patients, claiming to be perfectly sane and mistakenly admitted to Arkham. But why is he on this list? Well, for one thing, he is often seen as a thin, grey skinned, sickly man with no legs from the knees down rolling through the passages of Arkham in a wheelchair moaning to himself. If that isn't nightmare inducing enough, did I mention he has a toxin that can make one lose the will to live?

4. Scarecrow
Johnathan Crane, AKA Scarecrow, is one of Batman's oldest, weirdest villains and is linked to most of the other villains on this list, but not by any crinimal affiliation; Dr. Crane was one of the top up and coming psychiatrists at Arkham Asylum for a long time before eventually becoming a patient himself. In many versions of the character, Scarecrow speaks in eery nursery rhyme type speech, but Scarecrow's main claim  to fame is the "Fear Gas" he uses to terrify his victims and often, his own patients. Crane donns the scarecrow mask and releases a hallucinogen into the air, incapacitating his victims as they see their worst fears brought to life before them, making him one of the most deranged and terrifying characters ever to plague the DC universe.

3. Professor Pyg
Okay, on the list of creepy villainous things to do, Professor Pyg has pretty much done all of them. Wear a creepy pic face as a mask? Check. Get innocent people addicted to mind-numbing, highly addictive drugs? Check. Create an army of zombie like folllowers? Check. Surgically mutilate followers by permanently attaching doll faces over their own faces? Check. Violate, de-humamize and mutilate victims? Check. Yupp, Pyg is beyond deranged. He is a narcissistic, conniving, disconnected, sadist and , the worst part, not too much is really known about him.

2. Mr. Zsasz (Victor Zsasz)
Ah, Mr. Zsasz, where to start? Well, firstly, Zsasz  has dismembered and brutally murdered enough people to entirely cover himself in scars, each notch standing for a person he's killed. His victims, loving called "zombies" are not victims at all in his eyes, but people he has saved from living pointless, miserable lives. In addition to torturing and killing them with a knife or other such object, Zsasz takes great care and joy in posing his victims in odd "family portraits", often sitting together or playing cards around a table. Despite being seemingly lucid and even articulate in his speech and dexterity, Zsasz is one of the crazier villains, and one of the more macabre. He is also completely unpredictable and cunning, and even had, at one point, figured out a way to escape Arkham during the night to murder innocents, then return before daybreak, creating an air-tight alibi for himself.

Note: Mr. Zsasz was named after famed psychiatrist Thomas Szasz, who was also a little strange, believing that things such as drug-use, suicide and prostitution should be legal and socially accepted as they are personal choices and shoudl not be subject to criminal charges or investigation.

1. The Joker (Not surprisingly)
Anyone who has ever read, watched or in any way vegged out on anything Batman related knows just how bizzare The Joker is. And I'm not just talking about the Heath Ledger, Jack Nicholson portrayals either, although they were both done exceptionally well, especially Ledger's Joker, who was goosebump inducing as well as somewhat comedic. I'm talking about the classic Joker persona; the sadistic, murderous, devil-may-care villain who is both very intellgient and completely deranged. The Joker seems to be the ring-leader most of the time and genuinly seems to enjoy the terror and dissarray he provokes. He's not in it for money, revenge or sexual gratification, he just wants to watch the world burn. On his vast resume of exploits are such things as blowing up hospitals, paralyzing Commisioner Gordon's daughter (Batgirl/The Oracle), the death of the second Robin,  and setting loose the inmates of Arkham on several occasions. He loves to set up elaborate pranks and puzzles for Batman, and often speaks in morbid jokes and odd metaphors, much like The Riddler, but far more sinister. He is never mundane in his killing, and has been killed off several times, only to re-appear later due to popular demand. He sees his relationship with Batman as more of a schooolboy rivaly or frenemy type of thing than anyhting else and always claims he is helping Batman see his true self. He is deep, yet lacks much of a discernable alter-ego or backstory and is brutal and evil, yet somehow lighthearted and child-like about the whole thing. Creepy, no? In fact, the Joker is so loved by fans and writers alike, he briefly surfaced in Metropolis to terrorize Superman, only to come back to his beloved Gothamites where he seems to be for the long-run.

Note: The Joker was the first ever Batman villain and has been portrayed by the likes of Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger, Cesar Romero and even Mark Hamill (That's right, Luke Freakin' Skywalker).

Anti-Gay or Anti-Chicken?

Hello, noobs, trolls and spammers! So, apparently there's a big controversy about Chick-Fil-A being extremely anti-gay, which is a little odd seeing as the US military just kind of repealed their whole "Don't Ask Don't Tell" deal. Now I am neither gay, nor a chicken burger, so I'm really just an outsider looking in, but I think it's a little werid for a restaurant chain to be so politically active. I mean, there are a lot of gay, lesbian, whatevers out there, and I'm sure a lot of them like chicken, so really all their doing is alienating a huge demographic. On top of that, what if you're pro-gay and anti-chicken? Or pro-gay and pro-chicken? I guess, there's always McDonalds...

TOP 5 MOST USELESS PRODUCTS EVER!!!

Why write a post of top  10 most useless products ever, you ask? Because I'm bored at work and, more importantly, a woman just walked past with a chihuahua in a Snuggie. So, AHEM, here goes:

5. SNUGGIES
I can't even begin to describe how stupid snuggies are. It's a blanket with sleeves that you wear while lounging about the house. Sound comfortable? Perhaps, but, and I cannto stress this enough, it is essentially a BACKWARDS HOUSECOAT with one one real difference: you can get a housecout for $10 at the nearest retail store. Snuggies are like $25 bucks and you have to order them through the shopping network or in of those As Seen on TV stores. And, it's terribly tacky. In fact, I think the Jones' cult all wore snuggies over their blue tracksuits as to avoid spilling arsenic and Kool-aid on them. Quick question: How gross was that kool-aid? Like regular kool-aid gross, or burning-your-internal-organs gross? And was it sugar free Kool-Aid or just regular Kool-aid?

4. BOOTY BUMPS (or whatever their called)
Tired of your narrow, flat or misshappen rear end? Jealous of all those celebrities who have booty poppin' fun while your own bannock butt neither gets smacked, complimented or featured in hip-hop videos? Look no further! Not only is it extremely narcissistic and reidiculously over-priced, but it gives you the added benefit of butt-sweat stains on all your clothes. And, if you sit too long, it'll make your flat/misshappen/narrow butt even flatter/more mishappen/narrower.

3. Spin the Bottle 2.0
Yes, yes, I know, spin the bottle is a classic coming of age game. In case you've been living under a rock since like 1902, it's a once-popular game in which participants sit in a circle and, yes, spin a bottle. Whoever the bottle points at gets to kiss the person who spun the bottle. Of course, it's probably played a lot less nowadays, seeing as how by the age of 13, half the kids in the neighboorhood are already knocked up and the other half are getting wasted and making out with each other or playing "7 minutes in heaven with whoever the hell happens to be in there." But, a toy company has decided to bring Spin the Bottle back with a battery operated version of the game with several different settings (clockwise/counterclockwise maybe???). So not only does it promote awkward make-outs on game night, it also promotes laziness. Stellar.

2. Lime slicers/Apple coreres/Melon slicers/Strawberry corers etc
Come on people, this is just SO lazy. My kitchen contains several objects called knives. They do this job just as well and about 1000 other jobs you probably also have gadgets for. Seriously.

1. Sporks
I am well aware that putting sporks on this list has probably put me on several hit lists, but bear with me: they are marketed to be a spoon and fork in one, but let's be realistic. The tines are too short to actually stab anything and their very presence compromises the ability to use the spoon. Plus, and I can say this from experience, no good can come of a spoon that stabs you in the face when you use it. Although they do make oddly efficient catapults. Just sayin'.

BONUS!!! In-Car coffee/cappucino makers
There is so much wrong with these that I didn't even believe they were a real thing for a long time. But they are. And they shouldn't be. And why not? Well, firstly, they must drain the hell out of a car battery. But, let's say they run on batteries, they're still a HUGE safety concern. It has now become illegal in many places to speak on a cellphone while driving due to the high volume of accidents due to texting/talking on phones/playing with iPods etc. There is NO WAY it's safe to make coffee while driving. It's hard enough to drink coffee while driving, let alone make it, pour it AND drink it. But, for arguements' sake, let's say it's the passenger using the machine. Still a high spillage risk, a risk of burning oneself and others, and an even higher risk of looking like a tool.

New Music is Starting to make me want to Lady GAGa myself...

Terrible puns aside, it's getting bad, people. Really bad. I mean, when Lady Gaga first hit the scene, it's true she was just this side of the performance artist/hooker line, kind of in the same grey area as the cheerleaders from Glee and Pre-Kaballah Madonnna, but at least she could carry a tune. I mean, if your lyrics are literally about gang banging and you have about as much fashion sense as Prince, you HAVE to be able to sing, right? Wrong.

Enter Katy Perry, K$sha, and new and improved post-rehab Britney Spears. Now, get this, you don't have to be able to sing as long as you're hot and your producer knows how to auto tune the hell out of everything. Throw in some trendy bass wobbles and a few ridiculous runs and a hook and you're the next multi-platinum recording artist. Especially if you got your start on a certain network that starts with a "D" and ends with a drug bust and some underage lingerie photos. And no, I'm not a 40 something, frumpy femenist, I'm the target audience for most of the crap out there. Yep, some young people still have a touch of morality and a smidgen of good taste. I'm so sick of hearing about your menage a trois, your lecherous friends, your drunken blackouts and what an awesome-party-animal-skeezbag-mooch you are. Especially if you're well past your thrirties and still crooning about the boy you like in gym class. It's creepy.

Which is not to say I'm taregeting the ladies only. Oh no. Will Kid Rock please come up and take his place at the head of the class? Ah, Kid Rock, the only person who can make K$sha look like she showers. We get it bud, you're edgy and youthful, you're grungy and real. You like cocaine and hookers, Pam Anderson's boobs and Hep A. We HOPE youth model themselves after you. Yup. For sure. Whoa. My sarcasm meter just snapped. Anyhoo, Mr.Kid (or is it Mr.Rock?), not only can't you carry a tune in a bucket, you can't even stick to the same genre for more than three songs. You're not Bob Seger, by the way. At least you admit you're a ripoff artist by using entire chunks of classic songs like "Sweet Home Alabama" in leiu of creating something original. It's actually kind of mean in a way,  you know? Everytime that song comes on, I think it's going to be "Sweet Home Alabama", then BAM! Kid Rock comes all up in there with his own half-assed lyrics and totally unoriginal vocals and totally kills it. And not in the good way.

But alas, I digress. I'm not saying ALL new music is that brutally horrendous, look at Adele, The Black Keys, AWOLnation. They've managed to make ridiculously popular songs AND they kept their clothes on and kept the mentions of graphic sexual exploits to a minumum. Yes, sex drugs and rock 'n roll are a classic combo, but leave SOMETHING to the imagination and quit trying to up the record sales by upping the shock factor. Get some class and turn down the autotune unless you're the Gregory Brothers. The Milli-Vanilli thing was SO 1990's.

       Piper "The Hopeless Raw-raw-rawmantic" Manhattan

Q:Why Blog? A: It's cheaper than therapy, but less self-destructive than a handful of Xanax

The real question is, what do you do when every site worth trolling is blocked on the work servers and you've run out of paper clips to make into one long chain which you use to try and fish the rogue staple out of the carpet?

Well, (drumroll please) you start a blog that no one will likely ever read and fill it with metaphors and homages to other blogs no ones ever read and books that have long since been out of print (Murder Mile anyone?). Throw in some obscure movie references and you're good to go. Maybe a few reviews of stuff just in case someone is reading this, and maybe even some drama, like an unwanted pregnancy or gratuitous drug use. Just keep it safe and scripted and family-friendly so as not to get your own blog blocked off the work servers.

Really, though, it's just a way to pass the time and clean some of the corrosive buildup off your right brain. In case anyone's keeping track, you're at 1 obscure reference and 1 bizarre metaphor. Ah, metaphors. You love the way certain words taste as they leave your tongue and the way a well equipped metaphor is both beautiful and repulsive; both personal and vague.